On caregiving, the cost of asking, and why your body keeps the receipts
When caregiving kicks up, everything else has to meet it.
What I eat, how I move. How much sleep I actually protect, and what I respond to or what I let pass.
The last few weeks have been a lot. Miraculous and heavy at the same time, which I've come to understand is just how grace tends to arrive.
There was a surgery that went well. I can't tell you the whole story because it isn't entirely mine, but I can tell you that a significant part of why we received this outcome was advocacy.
And it wasn't just one person asking. There were a few that knew the details intimately that didn't let up, even when there were reasons to go quiet. We persisted, asking for what was needed.
Advocacy is often frowned upon. It’s considered too audacious when it comes from those who are expected to settle. When anyone challenges the structures that weren't built to serve them and decides to be specific about what they need, suddenly it's too much. Suddenly they're too difficult.
Women and those from marginalized communities who’ve spoken up for themselves or others know this well.
And the wild part — they might start to believe their critics.
That internal questioning of worth is its own kind of tax.
The Advocacy vs. Boundary Distinction
I’ve noticed people tend to conflate self-advocacy with boundaries. A lot of what gets called boundary work lately is really about managing what other people do.
The difference is where you're looking. Advocacy keeps your eyes on yourself. What do I need? What am I willing to ask for? Will I stay with that ask even when it gets uncomfortable?
And here's what makes it complicated for women who lead. The same system that marginalizes you also conditions you to be agreeable, to shrink your asks, to lead from whatever is left after everyone else has been served. So by the time you're in a position of leadership, the muscle of asking for yourself has often never been developed. Or it's been trained out of you entirely.
That's by design.
And it costs your leadership. Because you cannot pour from a place you've never advocated for. You cannot model wholeness for the people you lead while quietly abandoning yourself to keep the peace.
What's not talked about enough is how much it takes out of you when you finally do start using that muscle. There's an added exhaustion that comes with constantly having to speak up. The pushing. The asking again. The guilt that lingers even after it worked
A few weeks ago I mentioned making an appointment to get the hormonal data on my biochemistry. I got the results back and listen…. I needed that.
The data is powerful. And the confirmation that my body has been communicating all along.
Now I have the receipts and reason to advocate for myself in every area of my life. Because I can see what it costs when I don't.
Advocacy is self-care.
As a practice, its something you build capacity for, recover from, and return to again.
So I'll ask you —
What's the last thing you advocated for yourself for?
Leave it in the comments. I want to witness it.